‘State’ of ‘No-bhook Hartal’

Posted on December 12, 2009. Filed under: Entertainment, Funny, Politics | Tags: , , , , , , , , , |

My friend Mythili (name changed for safeguarding Sonali’s identity) has been married for about 5 years now with Rajesh (name unchanged, but you don’t know who he is anyways). As all other couples, many ups and downs (more downs than ups) do happen during the course of their marriage.  And whenever Myth is stuck in the downs, she calls one of her friends, relates to them the woes of marital life and thus heals herself. Don’t know what Rajesh does for his healing process. Personally, I think Rajesh is more in need of the heal, because he often gets the heel from Myth (figuratively, don’t think that she is a husband beater now). Myth can be quite a ‘formidable’ opponent.

So today it was my turn to play agony aunt to Myth.

Myth: I am sick of marriage, da!

Me: <uncomfortable yet knowing fake laugh> Hehe .. What happened now?

Myth: This Rajesh, da! He is bugging the heck outta me.

Me: What did he do now?

Myth: See no, he is demanding a state now.

Me:  <slightly confused> State?

Myth: Yea man, S-T-A-T-E.

Me: S-T-A-T-E???

Myth: Aeiyyoo … like New Jersey, California .. like that, ma!

Me: What do you mean, demanding a state? How can you demand a state?

Myth: See, no .. that’s what I told him. What he thinks of himself making such demands?

Me: Huh??

Myth: Arre, since yesterday he has started ‘No-bhook hartal’, unless I recognize the living room as his state.

Me: <Totally confused now> Mujhe samjha nahin … what is it you are talking about? Why is Rajesh doing hartal dude?

Myth: Aeiyyo .. don’t ask ma! It’s a long story ..

Me: <Another one of those long stories> Sigh!

Myth: Arre last month we had gone to India no, I had a fight with Rajesh’s mom. <Starts relating conversation with her MIL>

MIL: What ma, how come Rajesh has got beer belly? Do you both go to what they call pubs? See what you were doing before marriage, is not my business. We are not what you call ‘forward’ a! All this you should not do after marriage and all.  You should behave in a way befitting a daughter in law of this family. We are not as liberated as your parents ..hmmph.

Myth: <Indignant> Amma, we have to drink sometime no with our colleagues and all. But Rajesh hasn’t got his gut because of that. It’s because he is a lazy bum and does not take an effort to be fit.

MIL: What are you saying ma? He used to daily go and play badminton with his friends. In fact, I was always telling him to gain weight. You should not put like that oil in your food, ma. Your parents place also too much oily food. That’s why he has put on so much. In fact, you can also start losing weight…

Myth: <The rest of the conversation was lost on Myth, as her MIL had heaped on her the ultimate insult. Myth follows all latest diets to remain fit ..>

Me: Then?

Myth: Then what, I put Rajesh on strict diet. I make him eat only oats, cereals, raw vegetables, spinach juice <rattles off list of healthy sounding foods> … in fact, Milk also we buy Silk now. Silk is soy milk ma. I stopped allowing him to eat curd rice and ghee also. White starch and saturated fats. Yuck!

Me: Well, it’s a bit much, to be frank. But what is this state business about?

Myth; He is accusing me of discriminating against him because of his gut. He is also accusing me of denying him the right to watch his favorite TV show.

Me:  Why dude?

Myth: Arre, that day na, Project Runway finale was there. Rajesh wanted to watch that dumb disgusting comedy about the dancing piece of shit, that South Park. So I forcibly sent Rajesh out for a jog. Rajesh was following his fitness regime properly until then. But a jog in -5 deg C was the last straw for him and when he came back and saw me watching Lifetime, something snapped inside him.

Me: <you go Rajesh!>

Myth: He told me that, the living room is his state and I cannot enter it unless he lets me <starts relating the fight>.

Myth: Get lost man, this is my house. I will do as I please.

Rajesh: OK FINE! If you don’t listen to me no, then …

Myth: What will you do? Give me a shove with that gut of yours?

Rajesh: No, I will go on “NO-BHOOK HARTAL

Myth: Whatever are you saying?

Rajesh: It means, 24 * 7, I am going to eat until you say yes to my demands. Everything bad and dangerous and gross. I don’t want anything that even contains 1% percent fiber. I want only 100% sat fats  and trans fats, based on a 20000 calorie daily diet. Now you just see …

Me: Oh gosh!

Myth: It is the 2nd day of his hartal, and he hasn’t stopped eating.

Me: How is it possible? Technically, kitchen is not in his state no?

Myth: Yes, ma. But he is ordering pizza and soda from living room. He ate all the veggie pizzas that Pizza Hut had. He has given me ultimatum now. If in 1 hour I do not agree, then he is going to order non veg beef pizza and eat that <breaks into uncontrollable sobs> … What am I to do? He will soon die of type 2 diabetes, maa <sobbing again..>

Me: Well, your diet and exercise regime was an exaggeration, Myth. He is not competing in ‘The Biggest Loser’. You are denying him several rights such as the right to a decent meal and right to enjoy TV after a hard day’s work…

Myth: <sniffing, pondering the weight of my words..>

Me: And you know what, it is his mom’s fault. She is so possessive about Rajesh that  she couldn’t see him enjoying his married life. A bit of a gut, never did any one harm. In fact, it is the sign of marital bliss.

Myth: <Indignant and elated that her mom in law is at fault> Yes, ma! You are abzolutely right.

Me: Don’t let your MIL destroy your marriage, ma. Go take care of your husband and concede to his demands. Let him have that occasional dessert and that occasional Family Guy viewing. What’s in it for you?

Myth: Yes, dear. You are right. I will go and talk to Rajesh ma. Thanks a lot dear.

Well, that was that! Myth and Rajesh are back on their up, having tided over another one of their downs. Rajesh has given up his demand to create another state. Moral of the story, It is better to blame it on external forces, rather than fight internally.


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5 Responses to “‘State’ of ‘No-bhook Hartal’”

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Hope this was all made up and you seriously did not have this conversation with ur friend !!! 🙂

Good stuff Tilo !! Was a good read 🙂

I loved this one! The allegory is quite good.

Yea this ones of my favorites too.

HAHAHAHA! Another amazing one! Superb I say! 🙂

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